Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
