your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
