he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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