Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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