As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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