we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm always down for nudity.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
