the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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