My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
