You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
