I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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