Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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