Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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