Where did you get a picture of my penis
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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