how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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