The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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