I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
God I need to hump something, right now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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