I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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