If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
