Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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