i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
