He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
