I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
YAS. BRING CRAB.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
