My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
