someone get that fucking seahorse.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
