I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
