I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
