I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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