some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
