My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
