i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
