I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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