My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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