when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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