So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
