My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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