the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
do nipples grow back?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
