I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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