margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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