My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
