all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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