My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
