Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
