I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
