May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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