A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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