Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
