I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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