dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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