just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
