And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
