your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
