The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
