haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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