Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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