Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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