I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
